Meds

APAC tour Day 1

So as some of you may already know I’m headed off to the other side of the world.  I will be gone for about 2 weeks give or take.  That being said, I’m excited as well as nervous to get to go abroad again.  Especially on the company dime.  Today happens to be day 1 of my long trip.  Right now I’m writing from my connection in SFO before I take off to Singapore (SIN).  Here’s a list of the countries I will be visiting in the order I will be visiting them:

  1. Singapore
  2. Hong Kong
  3. Thailand
  4. Malaysia
  5. Singapore
  6. United States

Most of the time I will be spending in Singapore and Thailand.  My weekends abroad will also be in those countries.   Right now I have a long layover in SFO of 11+ hours before I take off for a 16+ hour flight.  Yay me!  If you can’t already tell I’m massively bored.  Thankfully I have awesome friends that are willing to come to the city to have a dinner with me before I fly off into the wild blue yonder.  This is the second time I will have gone to most of these locations, except Malaysia.  It will be the first time for that country, I will be in Kuala Lumpur most of the time. I hope to be able to do some sight seeing while traveling as that is the wish of most travelers whether they be business travelers or leisure.

Singapore there’s a few places I’d like to hit:

  1. The Merlion (last time I didn’t get to visit it because I wasn’t there long enough to do so)
  2. Marina Bay Waterfront Promenade
  3. The Supertrees Grove
  4. Gardens by the Bay

Hong Kong:

  1. Kowloon Park
  2. Nan Lian Garden
  3. Chi Lin Nunnery
  4. Wong Tai Sin Temple

Thailand

  1. Wat Arun Rajwararam
  2. Golden Jubilee Temple
  3. Wat Thep Leela 
  4. Wat Ladprao

Malaysia

  1. Batu Caves
  2. Petronas Twin Towers
  3. Kuala Lumpur Tower
  4. Aquaria KLCC

If I even get half of those I will consider myself accomplished.  More in the days to come but for now I will wait until my trip tonight.  Feel free to leave me suggestions should you have any for the places I’m venturing.  

Brain ramblings

Solstice Hinting

Well it’s been awhile since I posted and to explain the silence you should know I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking.  The broad strokes of my life have landed me with a great life.  Which is far better than I was say a decade or so ago.  That aside I need to be completely honest.  I haven’t been honest with you.

I’ve tried, and some people already know this.  These are the people I know I can trust.  So I’ve decided to do what was previously unthinkable.  On the summer solstice of Pride month I will admit the thing I haven’t admitted openly before.  So here’s the truth. 

I’m bisexual.

Now I know some of you are thinking “well duh!”, but others of you are probably going “what?!”.  So let me be clear on this, this is not new.  I’ve been this way since time out of mind.  Long before I was ever married or had a kid.  Long before I graduated high school (bet that makes some of my readers uncomfortable since I went to PE with them).  FEAR NOT!  I was far too uncomfortable in the locker room to even THINK about stuff like that.  That and it stunk in there…. I digress, for some of my close friends this is not news.  I’ve been hinting at it for a VERY long time.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m supposing you’re wondering why hide it at all?  As is the case for many people in my situation, the answer is family.  I grew up in the Northwest Bible Belt.  It’s not exactly looked kindly upon, though I must say it’s gotten a lot more accepting than it was before.  My family on the other hand has not.  And I do not foresee that ever changing.  I cannot hold conversations with my father that don’t make me feel like I’m scum that needs to be examined for proof of intelligence.  My mom…she doesn’t have an opinion.  Her opinion is essentially whatever my Dad’s is on pretty much most everything.  Very rarely does she ever stick up for something.  Obviously, my parental units do not know.  My current in-laws don’t know, they might now if they are reading this (Hi Howard and Janet).  My ex-in laws don’t know, Marlene might be reading this now (HI!).  My brother and sister in-law do not know. this.  Literally the only people in my family that know about this is my husband, my son, and my sister from a different mister; Lauren (I was drunk and blabbed it under the influence of tequila).

I’ve come to the point in my life that I need to be honest with myself, and honest with y’all.  I don’t like hiding this part of me.  So if you see me randomly post a picture of J. Law it might be because I find her attractive.  It might be because I think she’s a great actress.  Who knows?  Let me be clear about one thing, this changes nothing with regard to my relationship with my husband.  He has known this since day 1 of our relationship.  No, I am not seeking a female to have a relationship with.  I am a monogamous woman and will remain as such.  I love my husband to the moon and back.  For many people this is a non-issue.  But for some, its a big issue.  And unfortunately one that will cause me to lose friends, and potentially strengthen bonds with others.  My proverbial “coming out of the closet” is a double edged sword.  I risk losing friends and family, but if I am not honest with myself, then who can I be honest with?

Let’s be real here though, this doesn’t change anything.  It doesn’t suddenly mean I was hitting on you.  It doesn’t suddenly mean I have a secret agenda to get in your pants.  It just means that I have no particular preference as both men and woman are equally attractive to me.  And if for some reason you can’t find your way to accepting me for who and what I am, well let me show you a special place I have for you.

BUH BYE!!
BYE FELICIA!

Brain ramblings, Kid stuff, Work rants

The journey continues

For those of you wanting to know about the current state of affairs here’s an update for all on the many things going on for us.

  1. Son sees a counselor once a week
  2. He has been switched off of Concerta over to Clonidine (makes him very sleepy).
  3. He has swim lessons with the YMCA  – 4 sessions for now.
  4. The Camaro is currently inoperable so we are down to only one car.
  5. Husband’s employer has lent him a company car for the time being until we figure out a backup plan.
  6. Potentially buying a beater soon.
  7. Work life for me has gotten very busy with trips both domestic and potentially international. – Singapore and maybe Brazil-
  8. I have been tasked with restructuring my team so we are high output and performance is high.
  9. Additionally, son’s counselor wants me to think about which thing we want to work on first and has top priority.
  10. Starting the process of getting my son on Medicaid probably through Katie Beckett program – it’s arduous.

That being said, I have a splitting headache right now and am having a hard time winding down.  It’s only Wednesday and I’m beat between the many appointments I’ve had to run off to and many flights to and fro.  The need to decompress is high and no chance of that coming anytime soon.  Would love a week off so I could at least collect my thoughts and regroup.  That being said I really can’t complain about the state of affairs.  Son is enrolled for 7th grade with Connections Academy and is ever so excited about his fashion camp in July.  Probably seems like mindless dribble currently but there will come a time where I look back on this with reverence.

Enjoy it while it lasts?

Work rants

Indecisive customers

So today I’m going to touch on something that has been extremely annoying for about the past 2 weeks.  My customer who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent and so I don’t get fired has a customer of their own that we provide logistics services for on a fairly regular basis.  I will call my customer’s customer Loki for the sheer chaos they tend to cause.  Now Loki is all over the world and has many locations that freight can be delivered to.  The one that we most often provide logistics services to is in the Southeast of the United States (I’m purposefully being ambiguous). And what started about 2 weeks ago (week right before Memorial Day) there was much buzz about a rather substantial size of freight that would be getting released from one of their Asia origins (again ambiguous).  No big deal we can handle this.  The 23rd was supposed to be the big release date, and since Asia is many time zones ahead of me I started seeing buzz on the release the evening of the 22nd my time.  To put it plainly, the orders weren’t there.  This caused mass confusion on my main contact for my customer’s part as he had been told quite explicitly days previously that he needed to have us prepared for this release.

So my Asia origin team is concerned because they’ve already booked space for multiple carriers to get this freight from point A to point B and meet the delivery date that has been requested.  Well since the orders weren’t there, the freight wasn’t released.  Instead of doing a drop-ship to Loki wherein the customs clearance and delivery location are specific to that company.  Instead my customer decided instead of losing the space with the airlines they would be the importer of record and store the freight at the branch while they waited for Loki to make up their mind.  It is now the 2nd of June and they still have not made up their minds.

So the freight (all 125 skids) departed from Asia and made it to the US and has been stored at the warehouse as instructed.  About mid-week this week (while we were still waiting for some of the freight to arrive), I received a call saying that Loki might be dropping orders soon and that it would be complex as they were taking the freight that had already departed Asia and was in transit and then immediately re-exporting it to the Netherlands.  So now we went through this arduous process of identifying pallet IDs with each shipment and identifying which ones would get delivered locally and which ones would go on an I.E. (immediate export) to the Netherlands.  The orders were supposed to drop this past Thursday, June 1st.  They didn’t.

It is now June 2nd and Loki has still not made up their mind which causes mass confusion for my team as well as frustration for myself as I’d like to see these just come to an end already.  I commend my readers that have made it this far, freight stories are not exactly exciting.  I’m more just venting/ranting about the nonsense that is this freight.  We now have orders that we are to wait for this coming Monday the 5th to see if Loki has made up their f***ing mind already on where this freight is going or what…My guess is that won’t have budged any closer to getting this freight delivered.  I apologize for the dry story but I’m positive I’m not the only one that gets extremely frustrated with wishy washy customers and their lack of decision making skills.

Brain ramblings, Meds

Walls and crumbling

So given the proclivity of new things that have entered our life and a good portion of my life I am feeling crushed and like I’m starting to crumble.  I’ve been staring at this screen for the past 15-20 minutes just blankly trying to start another day of unknown and possibly terrifying things.  I’m not trying to have a pity party here.  I’m just trying to be very honest about how I’m feeling.

I feel like I should just close up and go “off the grid” for a bit while I get my son and I back to an even keel.  So much pressure I feel, probably mostly self inflicted to figure this out.  To fix it.  Not that the situation with my son can be fixed but really more like understood and a path for therapy and whatnot is laid out.

The feelings of guilt have set in, like how could I not have known this about him for so long.  If he has had this for as long as he says he has then I should’ve seen something.  But I didn’t.  My mother didn’t.  My father didn’t.  No one knew, but yet this existed and was affecting him from as early as age 4.  He and I had a long chat last night about the things he remembered of his visions in the past so I could get a good history on this.

Combine these changes with a very stressful job that recently has had me on my toes every day and I’m really starting to feel bogged down.  I’m petrified of filing FMLA papers for this as even though it’s illegal to fire someone protected by FMLA it is hard to prove intent.

Right now I’m extremely exhausted from trying to process and understand all that is going on.  I want to fall asleep and escape.  I know I can’t run away from what I’m facing, but it can be tempting at times to at least take a break.  So lacking the time I need to go through this I am just trying my hardest to make it day by day and not crumble completely.  One of us has to stay strong despite how I feel inside.

I’m probably going to regret posting this.

Kid stuff

COS part 1

Today was interesting.  Interesting in that it has scared me and made me more confused about the path I am on as a mother even more so than I ever was before.  My son had his first visit with a counselor and during this visit he had a hallucination…..He has NEVER before had anything like that in front of me nor told me of anything like that in his life.  This to me was very strange and scary as I didn’t know what was going on.  He continued to try to interact with the vision he was having by poking it.  

So now I am on the path of trying to figure out if this is real or if this is a game.  I am terrified of the dark rabbit hole that this could possibly be if it is real.  COS aka Childhood Onset Schizophrenia is a a neuro-disorder that is sometimes associated with ASD.  It is rare but that doesn’t exclude the possibility of it being a thing with him.  To say that I am concerned is putting it mildly.  He has given me a history of his past visions and voices that he has experienced in his life.  I am notating these for his counselor as our homework with him.  So essentially anytime he sees or hears something that isn’t really there he has to tell me so I can notate it down for him in a journal I’m keeping on my iPad.  The most recent one was a flying banana in the bedroom with us.  These coming days and weeks will be interesting as we go further into the unknown and the possibilities that it holds.  I’m sure this will have more posts in the future.

Kid stuff, Meds

Processing….

So today has been interesting and it’s just a little bit past noon.  My son had a follow up appointment with his doctor for med management.  He has been on Concerta/Methylphenidate same as myself, except a higher dosage.  At today’s appointment, I had the horrible responsibility of letting her know the events of May 1st while I as in SoCal.  See How the Cogs Grind for full details on that day.  I left the appointment feeling hollow and sick to my stomach.  I think a major part of this is due to my own feelings of guilt for not being able to fix the problem right away.  Or for the problem even existing to begin with.

At the end of the appointment, I left with two things on my mind.  How could I not know that my son was occasionally seeing things and hearing voices at night?  And two, now that I can’t leave him alone at all because he can’t regulate his responses to things that are not reality how will this change things both at home and for work?

Let me explain some things so there’s better clarity on these questions.  I currently work for a company that requires me to travel a decent chunk of time.  And until May 1st’s events I was able to leave my son at home with my mother as a remote learning coach.  May 1st changed all that.  There’s now extreme doubt from me that he will be able to do this now. He had done it before with no issue when I was gone for a few days in March earlier this year.

After we got home from our appointment, I received a call from Robin (his doctor) wanting to discuss the possibility of changing his meds.  She believes that the Concerta is what is causing his anxiety to be up.  Coupled with me not being there, a little thing like a Social Studies assignment caused a panic attack and subsequent wandering adventure through our neighborhood.

My need to replicate myself so one of me can stay home and the other me can work has now quadrupled.  I feel like my hands are tied as I can’t do both.  I tried to stay in contact with him as much as I could on that trip.  He has a cell phone, he has Hangouts on his desktop computer, I’m able to see his computer screen remotely via TeamViewer, and I have a webcamera that I can see what’s going on, on my phone.  I thought I had prepared enough for him being home alone.  I did NOT see this coming.  I don’t think any parent could.  So while I process the my own feelings of guilt and inability to be a mom, I have to push on and try my best for my son.

Where do we go from here?  I have many business meetings coming up that I will be away for.  I feel so lost, like I’m wandering aimlessly through this area between mom and career.  My son will always come first in my life.  But I can’t take care of my son without my career.  Catch 22 situation.  If I stay with the job I won’t be home all the time.  If I do stay home all the time, there’s a likelihood that I will lose my job.  If I lose my job, we lose all that I’ve worked so hard for.  House, Truck, being back here where I grew up among my family and friends.  Not to mention I feel accomplished with the career I have.  It’s the one thing I’ve made a success of myself with.  Yeah it is stressful, but what job isn’t?!

Processing all this has been complicated to say the least.  I know I’m just rambling at this point, but if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head I feel like I will implode.