Brain ramblings, Meds

It’s been awhile

So first off I'm sorry for not posting more often on life and how it's going. To be honest life has been too much for me to process let alone write about. I warn you now this post will probably be pretty length. It was also be emotional. Going to be very honest about what's going on here at my household that has put us and myself into such a state. I'm telling it all, so please leave your judgments at the door. I'm already judging myself pretty harshly, I don't need help with that.

So a bit of history on me, in case you didn't already know. I'm a 35, remarried woman with a 12 year old son. I have moved a lot in my life over the years. This has caused a lot of unstable feelings. When I was 12 we moved from my home state to a different one that was completely the opposite of my home state. The social and cultural shock I went through at this stage was tremendous. Eventually I adapted and got used to it. I got married, had a son. 5 years later I got a divorce and shortly thereafter moved across the country to a new state with my parents to keep them as part of my son's life. He is autistic, and at the time very much so a big part of our support circle. We lived here for almost 2 years, then moved again. Clear across the country again. We are at move #3 now. This is where I met my now husband. Things get strange here and while some of you may think I'm a bad mother for this decision at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. Long story short here, I left my son with my parents and moved to another state to try to make a better life for us all. Move #4. We were there to help renovate his parents house and then sell it at the end of 3 years. It kinda worked out that way, but not really.

So during these years is when things for me changed a lot. I was massively depressed cause I missed my son, but knew he was in a better place being with my parents. They were stable and had their life figured out there. When really they didn't and they wound up having to move again for my father to keep himself employed. So now my family and I (except my brother) are all at move #4. My then boyfriend and I were going through life at a normal pace. I became a lot more social than I had ever been before and made some amazing friends. They know who they are if they're reading this. I found an industry I actually was good at, and made a name for myself at work. This was near the end of 2013, and I've now been with them for almost 4 years. Which given my employment history is nothing to laugh at. Flash forward to 2014, end of June. I remember it like it was yesterday because it affected how I do so much nowadays every day.

June 30, 2014 – was a normal work day I was driving home and was calling to talk to boyfriend via my recently bought car that we co-signed on. The conversation starts to get very heated, and down right yelling. I get tired of being yelled at and hang up on him. Fatality. The fight only gets worse from there on out that night. He stays at a friends apartment and gets completely shit faced instead of coming home. I in my co-dependent need keep trying to get him to come home so we can talk things out and be okay again. He won't. My emotions are all in an uproar and I feel like the world is crashing down around me. I've left my son in another state with my parents to try to make a life with him. And he's just going to throw it all away over something as stupid as hanging up the phone on him…. I make a very drastic move, that in the long run only made the situation worse (yes worse). I sent a picture of alcohol and some sleeping pills via text message. Insinuating that I was about to take them. This may seem very manipulative of me. I wasn't trying to be. I set them down on the bed and literally stared at them trying to will the courage to do it. I had my phone on do not disturb so even after the picture got through I was able to focus on what I was trying to do to fix the problem. Before I can, boyfriend busts through the door and takes them away. Phase 2 has now started of the worst fight we've ever had. He understood the meaning of the picture. And instead of trying to talk me down away from those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, he is instead yelling at me. He's also partially drunk. I don't take well to being yelled at, either on the phone or in person. I start yelling back and let's just say things didn't end well that night. We slept apart. It continued like this for months. I would make attempts to reconcile and we'd just start screaming at each other again. Started getting counseling of my own on a weekly basis. Which helped immensely for other things in my past. Got on antidepressants, which I've now been taking ever since. I started doing things for me, and treating myself like I was important. Not something I'm prone to doing most of the time. Eventually boyfriend and I reconciled and were back on the same path together in this relationship of ours. The following March he proposed marriage to me, which was something that had been part of the fight we'd had the previous year. I was upset we weren't at least engaged after so much time had been put into the relationship. No big wedding for us, we got married in a chapel in Reno, NV. It was sweet and cute, and all I needed. My father wasn't able to attend which made me very sad and angry.

So we bought the house from my now husband's parents to try to make it work where we were. It didn't work. We decided pretty early on in 2016 that we would be moving back to the state I'd spent most of my years because of the lower cost of living and the fact that I had a lot of friends and family there. I moved early July of 2016, husband and dogs followed about a month later after selling our house to what was our best man at our wedding. We made enough of a profit on it to set aside about 30k, and pay off some debt. I managed to keep my job and work remotely from here. So we are now at move #5. My son has already moved again back to the same state as move #4 was. Here is when a very exciting time in my life started. The house I'm living in now I had built to my design specifications. It took awhile but we were able to move in at the beginning of 2017. It was sooo fun watching a dirt lot become a house. We are now at the current year of 2017, and my son has since moved to live with me and hubby. Did so back in January. It is now late September. The transition did not go as well as I would've liked. To put it plainly we are still getting my son transitioned and obedient to what is expected in this house. Not a simple task for an autistic pre-teen. On top of all this, in February I am promoted to a new role within my company that comes with a lot more responsibility but no more pay than what I was doing previously. Also have to be my son's learning coach since he does home schooling through a program called Connections Academy here in the states. He does much better with it than he does with brick and mortar schools. So at any given moment I am juggling many roles. Mom, learning coach, wife, and manager at work. Now it'd be one thing if my job had established hours. But it doesn't. I'm a salaried exempt employee. So they can work me like a dog and get away with not paying overtime cause I get paid a set amount no matter how much I work. Given what I do now…it's not enough. Finding a different job isn't much of an option as local jobs will not let me work from home, and especially not at the level of wages I currently have. Mom and learning coach go hand in hand, I have to help him learn but also be a mom at the same time. Attend IEP meetings and be an advocate for him cause he can't do it for himself. So most weeks I have at least 80 hours of my week absconded by work and school activities. All of which leave me exhausted at the end of the day, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Add in trying to find time to be a wife and do domestic things around the house is next to impossible. This is part of the current problem husband and I are dealing with. All in all I have very little time for myself. I'm majorly stressed out from all the time constraints put on me, I have no wind down time. Because I know the minute I try to do anything for me I should be trying to clean the house. Add on top of it husband and I are now stretched to the limit financially. He's working 2 jobs. I'm not gonna get a pay raise anytime soon. I know this because of an email I got earlier this year. Quite honestly we are in over our heads. And what I've done these past months only made it worse. Yes, I know I shouldn't have done these things but at the time I thought I would figure a way to handle it. I didn't.

So let's get down to brass tacks here. I have an addiction. Not just any addiction mind you. No heroine for me. Nope, I'd like to make this really hard by having it be an eating disorder and binge spending money. Money we DON'T have. And not just any money….I'd say more but I'm paranoid the wrong people will find out. So now we are over 6k in debt because of me, plus we were having a hard enough time making it work before even with husband's two jobs and my one. Before anyone asks, no we don't have anything we can sell to help with this. We already thought about that. Husband is understandably very angry at me for accruing so much debt. I understand his reasons, and I'm sorry for them. I'm trying to find a way to make this better again. I want to find a way that we can live month to month without having to get a payday loan, and he won't have to work 2 jobs. We've already cut out what we can monthly to make this work but it seems like it's never enough and we always wind up in the red. It doesn't help that we have so many doctor visits that eat up our income. Son sees a counselor once a week, and now I do to help with this very same situation. So we are looking at over $300 USD every month for just mental health. One of us needs to see the doctor, that's another $30 at least. So here it is past 22:00 on a Saturday, I'm typing out this sob story of mine cause I don't know what else to do. I really haven't eaten much today cause I'm resisting my cravings my eating disorder causes. Husband has been at work most of the day. Son has ignored me for his laptop. I tried to get him to spend time with me, it was a lost cause. So here I am, talking to the only thing I can. This blog that barely has any readers, and the ones that do read it are probably the ones that already know about what's going on in my life. To them I thank you for continuing to listen to me and letting me vent. I know I'm crazy.

Meds

Checking in

Hi all, for those that are worried about me I’m okay. Been massively busy with work and stuff with the kiddo. Hope to make a true update later this week. Just need things to calm down now as life is overwhelming me currently.

Brain ramblings, Meds

Kaleidoscope life

It’s been awhile since I posted anything on here.  A lot of this is due to the continual go-go-go that is my life.  I got back from my exhausting trip to Asia (a post later mayhaps on how things went).  And then promptly went into rush mode with trying to tidy my life back to where it was before I was gone for 2 weeks.  Work is work is work, it’s about the only thing in my life that makes sense anymore.  That’s the scary part.

That being said, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel overwhelmed, beaten, and alone.  Scary words for some of you who know my history. My life is a kaleidoscope currently, as I was telling a friend.  As soon as I get used to the pattern in front of me, the chamber moves and I have to start anew.  Sometimes the changes are minor and easily adjusted to.  Sometimes they are life changing and scare the absolute shit out of me.  And while kaleidoscopes are pretty to look at, they’re completely unpredictable.  I’m purposefully being obtuse on all the changes cause right now I’m not in the mental state where I can talk about it all.  Just need to let it be known to more than just myself and very close friends that I am not doing well.  I am struggling and while I may smile and laugh when I see you and am being social, it’s also taking everything in me to do that.

And while I sit here trying to verbalize the feelings and mental images that come across at this point in my boggling life, I can think only of drowning.  Drowning in changes that don’t make sense.  Drowning alone and misunderstood in a cold world that fails to listen.  Hell right now I’m probably going to regret typing and posting these things because the slim few people that actually read this will be worried.  To be fair, they should be.

I thought I had done the right thing.  I hate me too.

Meds

APAC tour Day 1

So as some of you may already know I’m headed off to the other side of the world.  I will be gone for about 2 weeks give or take.  That being said, I’m excited as well as nervous to get to go abroad again.  Especially on the company dime.  Today happens to be day 1 of my long trip.  Right now I’m writing from my connection in SFO before I take off to Singapore (SIN).  Here’s a list of the countries I will be visiting in the order I will be visiting them:

  1. Singapore
  2. Hong Kong
  3. Thailand
  4. Malaysia
  5. Singapore
  6. United States

Most of the time I will be spending in Singapore and Thailand.  My weekends abroad will also be in those countries.   Right now I have a long layover in SFO of 11+ hours before I take off for a 16+ hour flight.  Yay me!  If you can’t already tell I’m massively bored.  Thankfully I have awesome friends that are willing to come to the city to have a dinner with me before I fly off into the wild blue yonder.  This is the second time I will have gone to most of these locations, except Malaysia.  It will be the first time for that country, I will be in Kuala Lumpur most of the time. I hope to be able to do some sight seeing while traveling as that is the wish of most travelers whether they be business travelers or leisure.

Singapore there’s a few places I’d like to hit:

  1. The Merlion (last time I didn’t get to visit it because I wasn’t there long enough to do so)
  2. Marina Bay Waterfront Promenade
  3. The Supertrees Grove
  4. Gardens by the Bay

Hong Kong:

  1. Kowloon Park
  2. Nan Lian Garden
  3. Chi Lin Nunnery
  4. Wong Tai Sin Temple

Thailand

  1. Wat Arun Rajwararam
  2. Golden Jubilee Temple
  3. Wat Thep Leela 
  4. Wat Ladprao

Malaysia

  1. Batu Caves
  2. Petronas Twin Towers
  3. Kuala Lumpur Tower
  4. Aquaria KLCC

If I even get half of those I will consider myself accomplished.  More in the days to come but for now I will wait until my trip tonight.  Feel free to leave me suggestions should you have any for the places I’m venturing.  

Brain ramblings, Meds

Walls and crumbling

So given the proclivity of new things that have entered our life and a good portion of my life I am feeling crushed and like I’m starting to crumble.  I’ve been staring at this screen for the past 15-20 minutes just blankly trying to start another day of unknown and possibly terrifying things.  I’m not trying to have a pity party here.  I’m just trying to be very honest about how I’m feeling.

I feel like I should just close up and go “off the grid” for a bit while I get my son and I back to an even keel.  So much pressure I feel, probably mostly self inflicted to figure this out.  To fix it.  Not that the situation with my son can be fixed but really more like understood and a path for therapy and whatnot is laid out.

The feelings of guilt have set in, like how could I not have known this about him for so long.  If he has had this for as long as he says he has then I should’ve seen something.  But I didn’t.  My mother didn’t.  My father didn’t.  No one knew, but yet this existed and was affecting him from as early as age 4.  He and I had a long chat last night about the things he remembered of his visions in the past so I could get a good history on this.

Combine these changes with a very stressful job that recently has had me on my toes every day and I’m really starting to feel bogged down.  I’m petrified of filing FMLA papers for this as even though it’s illegal to fire someone protected by FMLA it is hard to prove intent.

Right now I’m extremely exhausted from trying to process and understand all that is going on.  I want to fall asleep and escape.  I know I can’t run away from what I’m facing, but it can be tempting at times to at least take a break.  So lacking the time I need to go through this I am just trying my hardest to make it day by day and not crumble completely.  One of us has to stay strong despite how I feel inside.

I’m probably going to regret posting this.

Kid stuff, Meds

Processing….

So today has been interesting and it’s just a little bit past noon.  My son had a follow up appointment with his doctor for med management.  He has been on Concerta/Methylphenidate same as myself, except a higher dosage.  At today’s appointment, I had the horrible responsibility of letting her know the events of May 1st while I as in SoCal.  See How the Cogs Grind for full details on that day.  I left the appointment feeling hollow and sick to my stomach.  I think a major part of this is due to my own feelings of guilt for not being able to fix the problem right away.  Or for the problem even existing to begin with.

At the end of the appointment, I left with two things on my mind.  How could I not know that my son was occasionally seeing things and hearing voices at night?  And two, now that I can’t leave him alone at all because he can’t regulate his responses to things that are not reality how will this change things both at home and for work?

Let me explain some things so there’s better clarity on these questions.  I currently work for a company that requires me to travel a decent chunk of time.  And until May 1st’s events I was able to leave my son at home with my mother as a remote learning coach.  May 1st changed all that.  There’s now extreme doubt from me that he will be able to do this now. He had done it before with no issue when I was gone for a few days in March earlier this year.

After we got home from our appointment, I received a call from Robin (his doctor) wanting to discuss the possibility of changing his meds.  She believes that the Concerta is what is causing his anxiety to be up.  Coupled with me not being there, a little thing like a Social Studies assignment caused a panic attack and subsequent wandering adventure through our neighborhood.

My need to replicate myself so one of me can stay home and the other me can work has now quadrupled.  I feel like my hands are tied as I can’t do both.  I tried to stay in contact with him as much as I could on that trip.  He has a cell phone, he has Hangouts on his desktop computer, I’m able to see his computer screen remotely via TeamViewer, and I have a webcamera that I can see what’s going on, on my phone.  I thought I had prepared enough for him being home alone.  I did NOT see this coming.  I don’t think any parent could.  So while I process the my own feelings of guilt and inability to be a mom, I have to push on and try my best for my son.

Where do we go from here?  I have many business meetings coming up that I will be away for.  I feel so lost, like I’m wandering aimlessly through this area between mom and career.  My son will always come first in my life.  But I can’t take care of my son without my career.  Catch 22 situation.  If I stay with the job I won’t be home all the time.  If I do stay home all the time, there’s a likelihood that I will lose my job.  If I lose my job, we lose all that I’ve worked so hard for.  House, Truck, being back here where I grew up among my family and friends.  Not to mention I feel accomplished with the career I have.  It’s the one thing I’ve made a success of myself with.  Yeah it is stressful, but what job isn’t?!

Processing all this has been complicated to say the least.  I know I’m just rambling at this point, but if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head I feel like I will implode.

Meds

Day 4, 5, and 6 WOOOO

So the past few days have been extremely busy for me with work which is why I haven’t updated anything recently.  That aside I have been taking the Methylphenidate every day in the morning.  The only side effects I’ve felt so far outside of being “less fuzzy” is that I have a harder time falling asleep than normal.  Which doesn’t bother me too much as I am far more productive at work than I had been before.  With as insane as work has been the past few days, it’s probably the only thing that’s kept me going being able to juggle all my different responsibilities at work.  As well as being the learning coach for my son through Connections Academy – Inspire school. This has a litany of other things that pop up here and there.  I’ll be glad for this long 3 day weekend/birthday weekend coming up.