Brain ramblings

Truth hits home

Today was an eye opener for me, and perhaps there’s something to this whole Mercury in retrograde thing being a truth revealer.  But back to the subject at hand, I was having a rather social conversation with one of my co-workers via What’sApp (if you don’t know what it is, you’re missing out).  We got on the subject of preconceived notions of what life will or will not bring us.  Now if you know me you will know that my life has been “bumpy.”  That’s putting it nicely.  I learned over time not to expect nice things, unless I bust my ass and bust my ass hard.  This is part and partial of why I’m a ball of nerves all the time, but also why scary movies don’t scare me anymore.

But she has a point, and I thank her even though I doubt she’s reading this cause I try to keep work and personal life separate.  Never do they mix…for the most part.  I’m guilty of a few times letting that line getting blurred.  Hell it’s blurred all the time with this woman.  But she’s a hell of a lot of fun, and sometimes she’s a hell of a lot of a pain in my royal tushy.  That’s what co-workers are though, at least in my industry.

I keep getting sidetracked though from my message.  My message is this, if you come to expect great things, great things will happen.  And while that sounds intensely optimistic from probably one of the biggest pessimists you will ever know, it’s true.

Now honestly, if I had started dating my now husband thinking and expecting him to just walk out the first minute he had a chance cause that’s what my ex did then I certainly do not think I’d be married now.  Are all things going to be great?  No.  But that DOESN’T mean that all things will be horrid, wretched, and downright shitty to the point that we have to wallow in self-misery.  There’s something to be said about the quote “Seize the Day.”  Carpe Diem!  Don’t let life beat you down.  Flip that shit around, and beat the hell out of life.

A decade ago my life in 2007, was working 2 jobs to make sure my family of 3 could stay in our tiny apartment while my then husband stayed home and played WoW all day.  And you know something, if he’s reading this, I don’t give a shit.  Truth hurts.  We were living paycheck to paycheck.  I hardly ever got to see my son because of the time I spent at work.  Now I know I had options to leave him.  But given the circumstances I was in at that time, I was trying DESPERATELY to make my marriage work.  Long story short it didn’t.  I was high school educated and that was it.  The closest thing I had to friends was my co-workers who I hardly ever saw cause I worked nights at the full time job.

Flash forward to 2017, and now I live with my family of 3 in a rather substantially sized new house.  I work one job (from home), that sends me all over the world (literally).  My husband is loving, hard working, honest, and one of the kindest people you will ever meet.  My son lives with us and I see him plenty every day now as he is home schooled through a state run online school.  I don’t spend my nights wondering if my husband is cheating on me.  I know he isn’t.  I don’t spend my nights wondering if I am loved, or if I would be missed.  I know I would be (no, I have no plans to go away).  I am now a college graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Accounting.  I am surrounded by the people I CHOOSE to have in my life.  My friends are all class act fantastic people that light this world on fire with their personalities.  Yes…all of them.

This is not to say that parts of the old me do not exist.  Oh that little girl definitely resides inside me in the nooks and crannies that is the dark part of my psyche.  But when she does pop up I try to put her ass back in time out and take a reality check.  So while there are days where I sound absolutely fatigued with life’s stress.  There are it’s up moments that I love and ride on those waves as long as I can hold on.  So while I’m trying to get out of the misery moat I’ll enjoy the waves of happiness that take me above its horizon.

misery moat

p.s. This started as a post about how I wanted to go to the gym to feel better about myself….

Brain ramblings

A little validation

I know it’s been awhile and I keep promising that I will be better about keeping up with these posts.  But I keep not doing that.  Life keeps getting ahead of me and my level of the emotional energy needed to compile my thoughts.  So really I’ll start with today and the validation that I was given.  I don’t think she realizes it, but it really did mean a lot to me.  I told “someone” about an experience from my teenage life.  A very specific event because I remember the details vividly.  In the end, this “someone” told me that I need to write out these experiences with all I’ve been through.

This is exactly how I’ve felt and part of the reason why I do these.  Part of it is the mental mind rant of just letting my brain go and say what it wants to say.  Other parts are of course the element that people can respond and reply to these posts so I’m not just talking to myself.  Heaven knows I do that enough as is.  I’m not entirely sure if I should tell the story that did affect this “someone” so much that they were brought to tears listening at the end.  I don’t aim to make people cry or get angry.  To feel anything by listening to my stories is one of the best responses an author of any sort can feel.  This is of course my opinion alone on emotional response to personal historical narrative.  This “someone’s” response to my story is what brought me here today to tell this.  That little bit of validation that comes from another source other than ourselves.

So thank you to that “someone” whether they know it or not on their influence.  If I do post the story, it will not be on this thread.

 

Brain ramblings

Painting

I gotta say I was never expecting the new follows after my last post.  Though definitely welcome, I need the company.  That being said, I finally got a painting done that I had been working on for over a year.  The thing of it is that I wouldn’t paint on it unless I was feeling an extreme emotion.  Could be positive or negative.  As you can see this past year, has been a myriad of emotion.  I worked from the middle out so the corners are the most recent emotions painted.  I plan on doing more of these though, probably not waiting until the extreme emotions as it is exhausting and when I look at it now I relive the memories that made this painting happen.  I am proud of it, yet saddened that this past year has been such a roller coaster.  I’ve always found peace in painting and in particular mandalas as they help me focus my thoughts and emotions into one thing.

One a separate note, things are slowly getting better for us.  While we aren’t at 100% I think we are on the right path.  I see my counselor for my second visit tomorrow.  Still nervous about seeing him as I start this part of my journey of healing.  Trying to fight my demons every day.  I gave in to them on Monday and have been hating myself ever since.  Don’t know what to do outside of just keep trying to be better…  I’m already reaching out for help, just need the help to grab hold of me.  Like Artax in the Swamp of Sadness, I need Atreyu to pull harder to get me the hell out.  If you don’t know those references we can’t be friends.

I’ll just keep on plugging along in the hopes that things will continue on this upward path on the emotion spectrum.

Painting

Brain ramblings, Meds

It’s been awhile

So first off I'm sorry for not posting more often on life and how it's going. To be honest life has been too much for me to process let alone write about. I warn you now this post will probably be pretty length. It was also be emotional. Going to be very honest about what's going on here at my household that has put us and myself into such a state. I'm telling it all, so please leave your judgments at the door. I'm already judging myself pretty harshly, I don't need help with that.

So a bit of history on me, in case you didn't already know. I'm a 35, remarried woman with a 12 year old son. I have moved a lot in my life over the years. This has caused a lot of unstable feelings. When I was 12 we moved from my home state to a different one that was completely the opposite of my home state. The social and cultural shock I went through at this stage was tremendous. Eventually I adapted and got used to it. I got married, had a son. 5 years later I got a divorce and shortly thereafter moved across the country to a new state with my parents to keep them as part of my son's life. He is autistic, and at the time very much so a big part of our support circle. We lived here for almost 2 years, then moved again. Clear across the country again. We are at move #3 now. This is where I met my now husband. Things get strange here and while some of you may think I'm a bad mother for this decision at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. Long story short here, I left my son with my parents and moved to another state to try to make a better life for us all. Move #4. We were there to help renovate his parents house and then sell it at the end of 3 years. It kinda worked out that way, but not really.

So during these years is when things for me changed a lot. I was massively depressed cause I missed my son, but knew he was in a better place being with my parents. They were stable and had their life figured out there. When really they didn't and they wound up having to move again for my father to keep himself employed. So now my family and I (except my brother) are all at move #4. My then boyfriend and I were going through life at a normal pace. I became a lot more social than I had ever been before and made some amazing friends. They know who they are if they're reading this. I found an industry I actually was good at, and made a name for myself at work. This was near the end of 2013, and I've now been with them for almost 4 years. Which given my employment history is nothing to laugh at. Flash forward to 2014, end of June. I remember it like it was yesterday because it affected how I do so much nowadays every day.

June 30, 2014 – was a normal work day I was driving home and was calling to talk to boyfriend via my recently bought car that we co-signed on. The conversation starts to get very heated, and down right yelling. I get tired of being yelled at and hang up on him. Fatality. The fight only gets worse from there on out that night. He stays at a friends apartment and gets completely shit faced instead of coming home. I in my co-dependent need keep trying to get him to come home so we can talk things out and be okay again. He won't. My emotions are all in an uproar and I feel like the world is crashing down around me. I've left my son in another state with my parents to try to make a life with him. And he's just going to throw it all away over something as stupid as hanging up the phone on him…. I make a very drastic move, that in the long run only made the situation worse (yes worse). I sent a picture of alcohol and some sleeping pills via text message. Insinuating that I was about to take them. This may seem very manipulative of me. I wasn't trying to be. I set them down on the bed and literally stared at them trying to will the courage to do it. I had my phone on do not disturb so even after the picture got through I was able to focus on what I was trying to do to fix the problem. Before I can, boyfriend busts through the door and takes them away. Phase 2 has now started of the worst fight we've ever had. He understood the meaning of the picture. And instead of trying to talk me down away from those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, he is instead yelling at me. He's also partially drunk. I don't take well to being yelled at, either on the phone or in person. I start yelling back and let's just say things didn't end well that night. We slept apart. It continued like this for months. I would make attempts to reconcile and we'd just start screaming at each other again. Started getting counseling of my own on a weekly basis. Which helped immensely for other things in my past. Got on antidepressants, which I've now been taking ever since. I started doing things for me, and treating myself like I was important. Not something I'm prone to doing most of the time. Eventually boyfriend and I reconciled and were back on the same path together in this relationship of ours. The following March he proposed marriage to me, which was something that had been part of the fight we'd had the previous year. I was upset we weren't at least engaged after so much time had been put into the relationship. No big wedding for us, we got married in a chapel in Reno, NV. It was sweet and cute, and all I needed. My father wasn't able to attend which made me very sad and angry.

So we bought the house from my now husband's parents to try to make it work where we were. It didn't work. We decided pretty early on in 2016 that we would be moving back to the state I'd spent most of my years because of the lower cost of living and the fact that I had a lot of friends and family there. I moved early July of 2016, husband and dogs followed about a month later after selling our house to what was our best man at our wedding. We made enough of a profit on it to set aside about 30k, and pay off some debt. I managed to keep my job and work remotely from here. So we are now at move #5. My son has already moved again back to the same state as move #4 was. Here is when a very exciting time in my life started. The house I'm living in now I had built to my design specifications. It took awhile but we were able to move in at the beginning of 2017. It was sooo fun watching a dirt lot become a house. We are now at the current year of 2017, and my son has since moved to live with me and hubby. Did so back in January. It is now late September. The transition did not go as well as I would've liked. To put it plainly we are still getting my son transitioned and obedient to what is expected in this house. Not a simple task for an autistic pre-teen. On top of all this, in February I am promoted to a new role within my company that comes with a lot more responsibility but no more pay than what I was doing previously. Also have to be my son's learning coach since he does home schooling through a program called Connections Academy here in the states. He does much better with it than he does with brick and mortar schools. So at any given moment I am juggling many roles. Mom, learning coach, wife, and manager at work. Now it'd be one thing if my job had established hours. But it doesn't. I'm a salaried exempt employee. So they can work me like a dog and get away with not paying overtime cause I get paid a set amount no matter how much I work. Given what I do now…it's not enough. Finding a different job isn't much of an option as local jobs will not let me work from home, and especially not at the level of wages I currently have. Mom and learning coach go hand in hand, I have to help him learn but also be a mom at the same time. Attend IEP meetings and be an advocate for him cause he can't do it for himself. So most weeks I have at least 80 hours of my week absconded by work and school activities. All of which leave me exhausted at the end of the day, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Add in trying to find time to be a wife and do domestic things around the house is next to impossible. This is part of the current problem husband and I are dealing with. All in all I have very little time for myself. I'm majorly stressed out from all the time constraints put on me, I have no wind down time. Because I know the minute I try to do anything for me I should be trying to clean the house. Add on top of it husband and I are now stretched to the limit financially. He's working 2 jobs. I'm not gonna get a pay raise anytime soon. I know this because of an email I got earlier this year. Quite honestly we are in over our heads. And what I've done these past months only made it worse. Yes, I know I shouldn't have done these things but at the time I thought I would figure a way to handle it. I didn't.

So let's get down to brass tacks here. I have an addiction. Not just any addiction mind you. No heroine for me. Nope, I'd like to make this really hard by having it be an eating disorder and binge spending money. Money we DON'T have. And not just any money….I'd say more but I'm paranoid the wrong people will find out. So now we are over 6k in debt because of me, plus we were having a hard enough time making it work before even with husband's two jobs and my one. Before anyone asks, no we don't have anything we can sell to help with this. We already thought about that. Husband is understandably very angry at me for accruing so much debt. I understand his reasons, and I'm sorry for them. I'm trying to find a way to make this better again. I want to find a way that we can live month to month without having to get a payday loan, and he won't have to work 2 jobs. We've already cut out what we can monthly to make this work but it seems like it's never enough and we always wind up in the red. It doesn't help that we have so many doctor visits that eat up our income. Son sees a counselor once a week, and now I do to help with this very same situation. So we are looking at over $300 USD every month for just mental health. One of us needs to see the doctor, that's another $30 at least. So here it is past 22:00 on a Saturday, I'm typing out this sob story of mine cause I don't know what else to do. I really haven't eaten much today cause I'm resisting my cravings my eating disorder causes. Husband has been at work most of the day. Son has ignored me for his laptop. I tried to get him to spend time with me, it was a lost cause. So here I am, talking to the only thing I can. This blog that barely has any readers, and the ones that do read it are probably the ones that already know about what's going on in my life. To them I thank you for continuing to listen to me and letting me vent. I know I'm crazy.

Brain ramblings, Meds

Kaleidoscope life

It’s been awhile since I posted anything on here.  A lot of this is due to the continual go-go-go that is my life.  I got back from my exhausting trip to Asia (a post later mayhaps on how things went).  And then promptly went into rush mode with trying to tidy my life back to where it was before I was gone for 2 weeks.  Work is work is work, it’s about the only thing in my life that makes sense anymore.  That’s the scary part.

That being said, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel overwhelmed, beaten, and alone.  Scary words for some of you who know my history. My life is a kaleidoscope currently, as I was telling a friend.  As soon as I get used to the pattern in front of me, the chamber moves and I have to start anew.  Sometimes the changes are minor and easily adjusted to.  Sometimes they are life changing and scare the absolute shit out of me.  And while kaleidoscopes are pretty to look at, they’re completely unpredictable.  I’m purposefully being obtuse on all the changes cause right now I’m not in the mental state where I can talk about it all.  Just need to let it be known to more than just myself and very close friends that I am not doing well.  I am struggling and while I may smile and laugh when I see you and am being social, it’s also taking everything in me to do that.

And while I sit here trying to verbalize the feelings and mental images that come across at this point in my boggling life, I can think only of drowning.  Drowning in changes that don’t make sense.  Drowning alone and misunderstood in a cold world that fails to listen.  Hell right now I’m probably going to regret typing and posting these things because the slim few people that actually read this will be worried.  To be fair, they should be.

I thought I had done the right thing.  I hate me too.

Brain ramblings, Work rants

APAC tour Day 3 or 4

Well here it is now the 11th, it’s still the 10th for some.  But either way I’m in Singapore now and this is the first day of work I’ve done.  Monday was spent recovering from the long voyage as well as doing some sight seeing.  Not planned but definitely enjoyed.

So possibly of interest though who knows, I don’t think anyone is even reading this.  I am just writing to write at this point.  A few of the places on my list of must see places has been marked off:

Merlion

Marina Bay Sands

Only a few more left for Singapore overall, but might be adding more to my list based on what my coworkers are telling me.  End of my diatribe for the 11th.

p.s.  They were amazing to see…

Brain ramblings

Solstice Hinting

Well it’s been awhile since I posted and to explain the silence you should know I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking.  The broad strokes of my life have landed me with a great life.  Which is far better than I was say a decade or so ago.  That aside I need to be completely honest.  I haven’t been honest with you.

I’ve tried, and some people already know this.  These are the people I know I can trust.  So I’ve decided to do what was previously unthinkable.  On the summer solstice of Pride month I will admit the thing I haven’t admitted openly before.  So here’s the truth. 

I’m bisexual.

Now I know some of you are thinking “well duh!”, but others of you are probably going “what?!”.  So let me be clear on this, this is not new.  I’ve been this way since time out of mind.  Long before I was ever married or had a kid.  Long before I graduated high school (bet that makes some of my readers uncomfortable since I went to PE with them).  FEAR NOT!  I was far too uncomfortable in the locker room to even THINK about stuff like that.  That and it stunk in there…. I digress, for some of my close friends this is not news.  I’ve been hinting at it for a VERY long time.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m supposing you’re wondering why hide it at all?  As is the case for many people in my situation, the answer is family.  I grew up in the Northwest Bible Belt.  It’s not exactly looked kindly upon, though I must say it’s gotten a lot more accepting than it was before.  My family on the other hand has not.  And I do not foresee that ever changing.  I cannot hold conversations with my father that don’t make me feel like I’m scum that needs to be examined for proof of intelligence.  My mom…she doesn’t have an opinion.  Her opinion is essentially whatever my Dad’s is on pretty much most everything.  Very rarely does she ever stick up for something.  Obviously, my parental units do not know.  My current in-laws don’t know, they might now if they are reading this (Hi Howard and Janet).  My ex-in laws don’t know, Marlene might be reading this now (HI!).  My brother and sister in-law do not know. this.  Literally the only people in my family that know about this is my husband, my son, and my sister from a different mister; Lauren (I was drunk and blabbed it under the influence of tequila).

I’ve come to the point in my life that I need to be honest with myself, and honest with y’all.  I don’t like hiding this part of me.  So if you see me randomly post a picture of J. Law it might be because I find her attractive.  It might be because I think she’s a great actress.  Who knows?  Let me be clear about one thing, this changes nothing with regard to my relationship with my husband.  He has known this since day 1 of our relationship.  No, I am not seeking a female to have a relationship with.  I am a monogamous woman and will remain as such.  I love my husband to the moon and back.  For many people this is a non-issue.  But for some, its a big issue.  And unfortunately one that will cause me to lose friends, and potentially strengthen bonds with others.  My proverbial “coming out of the closet” is a double edged sword.  I risk losing friends and family, but if I am not honest with myself, then who can I be honest with?

Let’s be real here though, this doesn’t change anything.  It doesn’t suddenly mean I was hitting on you.  It doesn’t suddenly mean I have a secret agenda to get in your pants.  It just means that I have no particular preference as both men and woman are equally attractive to me.  And if for some reason you can’t find your way to accepting me for who and what I am, well let me show you a special place I have for you.

BUH BYE!!
BYE FELICIA!