Brain ramblings

Truth hits home

Today was an eye opener for me, and perhaps there’s something to this whole Mercury in retrograde thing being a truth revealer.  But back to the subject at hand, I was having a rather social conversation with one of my co-workers via What’sApp (if you don’t know what it is, you’re missing out).  We got on the subject of preconceived notions of what life will or will not bring us.  Now if you know me you will know that my life has been “bumpy.”  That’s putting it nicely.  I learned over time not to expect nice things, unless I bust my ass and bust my ass hard.  This is part and partial of why I’m a ball of nerves all the time, but also why scary movies don’t scare me anymore.

But she has a point, and I thank her even though I doubt she’s reading this cause I try to keep work and personal life separate.  Never do they mix…for the most part.  I’m guilty of a few times letting that line getting blurred.  Hell it’s blurred all the time with this woman.  But she’s a hell of a lot of fun, and sometimes she’s a hell of a lot of a pain in my royal tushy.  That’s what co-workers are though, at least in my industry.

I keep getting sidetracked though from my message.  My message is this, if you come to expect great things, great things will happen.  And while that sounds intensely optimistic from probably one of the biggest pessimists you will ever know, it’s true.

Now honestly, if I had started dating my now husband thinking and expecting him to just walk out the first minute he had a chance cause that’s what my ex did then I certainly do not think I’d be married now.  Are all things going to be great?  No.  But that DOESN’T mean that all things will be horrid, wretched, and downright shitty to the point that we have to wallow in self-misery.  There’s something to be said about the quote “Seize the Day.”  Carpe Diem!  Don’t let life beat you down.  Flip that shit around, and beat the hell out of life.

A decade ago my life in 2007, was working 2 jobs to make sure my family of 3 could stay in our tiny apartment while my then husband stayed home and played WoW all day.  And you know something, if he’s reading this, I don’t give a shit.  Truth hurts.  We were living paycheck to paycheck.  I hardly ever got to see my son because of the time I spent at work.  Now I know I had options to leave him.  But given the circumstances I was in at that time, I was trying DESPERATELY to make my marriage work.  Long story short it didn’t.  I was high school educated and that was it.  The closest thing I had to friends was my co-workers who I hardly ever saw cause I worked nights at the full time job.

Flash forward to 2017, and now I live with my family of 3 in a rather substantially sized new house.  I work one job (from home), that sends me all over the world (literally).  My husband is loving, hard working, honest, and one of the kindest people you will ever meet.  My son lives with us and I see him plenty every day now as he is home schooled through a state run online school.  I don’t spend my nights wondering if my husband is cheating on me.  I know he isn’t.  I don’t spend my nights wondering if I am loved, or if I would be missed.  I know I would be (no, I have no plans to go away).  I am now a college graduate with a Bachelor’s degree in Accounting.  I am surrounded by the people I CHOOSE to have in my life.  My friends are all class act fantastic people that light this world on fire with their personalities.  Yes…all of them.

This is not to say that parts of the old me do not exist.  Oh that little girl definitely resides inside me in the nooks and crannies that is the dark part of my psyche.  But when she does pop up I try to put her ass back in time out and take a reality check.  So while there are days where I sound absolutely fatigued with life’s stress.  There are it’s up moments that I love and ride on those waves as long as I can hold on.  So while I’m trying to get out of the misery moat I’ll enjoy the waves of happiness that take me above its horizon.

misery moat

p.s. This started as a post about how I wanted to go to the gym to feel better about myself….

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