Brain ramblings

Painting

I gotta say I was never expecting the new follows after my last post.  Though definitely welcome, I need the company.  That being said, I finally got a painting done that I had been working on for over a year.  The thing of it is that I wouldn’t paint on it unless I was feeling an extreme emotion.  Could be positive or negative.  As you can see this past year, has been a myriad of emotion.  I worked from the middle out so the corners are the most recent emotions painted.  I plan on doing more of these though, probably not waiting until the extreme emotions as it is exhausting and when I look at it now I relive the memories that made this painting happen.  I am proud of it, yet saddened that this past year has been such a roller coaster.  I’ve always found peace in painting and in particular mandalas as they help me focus my thoughts and emotions into one thing.

One a separate note, things are slowly getting better for us.  While we aren’t at 100% I think we are on the right path.  I see my counselor for my second visit tomorrow.  Still nervous about seeing him as I start this part of my journey of healing.  Trying to fight my demons every day.  I gave in to them on Monday and have been hating myself ever since.  Don’t know what to do outside of just keep trying to be better…  I’m already reaching out for help, just need the help to grab hold of me.  Like Artax in the Swamp of Sadness, I need Atreyu to pull harder to get me the hell out.  If you don’t know those references we can’t be friends.

I’ll just keep on plugging along in the hopes that things will continue on this upward path on the emotion spectrum.

Painting

Brain ramblings, Meds

It’s been awhile

So first off I'm sorry for not posting more often on life and how it's going. To be honest life has been too much for me to process let alone write about. I warn you now this post will probably be pretty length. It was also be emotional. Going to be very honest about what's going on here at my household that has put us and myself into such a state. I'm telling it all, so please leave your judgments at the door. I'm already judging myself pretty harshly, I don't need help with that.

So a bit of history on me, in case you didn't already know. I'm a 35, remarried woman with a 12 year old son. I have moved a lot in my life over the years. This has caused a lot of unstable feelings. When I was 12 we moved from my home state to a different one that was completely the opposite of my home state. The social and cultural shock I went through at this stage was tremendous. Eventually I adapted and got used to it. I got married, had a son. 5 years later I got a divorce and shortly thereafter moved across the country to a new state with my parents to keep them as part of my son's life. He is autistic, and at the time very much so a big part of our support circle. We lived here for almost 2 years, then moved again. Clear across the country again. We are at move #3 now. This is where I met my now husband. Things get strange here and while some of you may think I'm a bad mother for this decision at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. Long story short here, I left my son with my parents and moved to another state to try to make a better life for us all. Move #4. We were there to help renovate his parents house and then sell it at the end of 3 years. It kinda worked out that way, but not really.

So during these years is when things for me changed a lot. I was massively depressed cause I missed my son, but knew he was in a better place being with my parents. They were stable and had their life figured out there. When really they didn't and they wound up having to move again for my father to keep himself employed. So now my family and I (except my brother) are all at move #4. My then boyfriend and I were going through life at a normal pace. I became a lot more social than I had ever been before and made some amazing friends. They know who they are if they're reading this. I found an industry I actually was good at, and made a name for myself at work. This was near the end of 2013, and I've now been with them for almost 4 years. Which given my employment history is nothing to laugh at. Flash forward to 2014, end of June. I remember it like it was yesterday because it affected how I do so much nowadays every day.

June 30, 2014 – was a normal work day I was driving home and was calling to talk to boyfriend via my recently bought car that we co-signed on. The conversation starts to get very heated, and down right yelling. I get tired of being yelled at and hang up on him. Fatality. The fight only gets worse from there on out that night. He stays at a friends apartment and gets completely shit faced instead of coming home. I in my co-dependent need keep trying to get him to come home so we can talk things out and be okay again. He won't. My emotions are all in an uproar and I feel like the world is crashing down around me. I've left my son in another state with my parents to try to make a life with him. And he's just going to throw it all away over something as stupid as hanging up the phone on him…. I make a very drastic move, that in the long run only made the situation worse (yes worse). I sent a picture of alcohol and some sleeping pills via text message. Insinuating that I was about to take them. This may seem very manipulative of me. I wasn't trying to be. I set them down on the bed and literally stared at them trying to will the courage to do it. I had my phone on do not disturb so even after the picture got through I was able to focus on what I was trying to do to fix the problem. Before I can, boyfriend busts through the door and takes them away. Phase 2 has now started of the worst fight we've ever had. He understood the meaning of the picture. And instead of trying to talk me down away from those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, he is instead yelling at me. He's also partially drunk. I don't take well to being yelled at, either on the phone or in person. I start yelling back and let's just say things didn't end well that night. We slept apart. It continued like this for months. I would make attempts to reconcile and we'd just start screaming at each other again. Started getting counseling of my own on a weekly basis. Which helped immensely for other things in my past. Got on antidepressants, which I've now been taking ever since. I started doing things for me, and treating myself like I was important. Not something I'm prone to doing most of the time. Eventually boyfriend and I reconciled and were back on the same path together in this relationship of ours. The following March he proposed marriage to me, which was something that had been part of the fight we'd had the previous year. I was upset we weren't at least engaged after so much time had been put into the relationship. No big wedding for us, we got married in a chapel in Reno, NV. It was sweet and cute, and all I needed. My father wasn't able to attend which made me very sad and angry.

So we bought the house from my now husband's parents to try to make it work where we were. It didn't work. We decided pretty early on in 2016 that we would be moving back to the state I'd spent most of my years because of the lower cost of living and the fact that I had a lot of friends and family there. I moved early July of 2016, husband and dogs followed about a month later after selling our house to what was our best man at our wedding. We made enough of a profit on it to set aside about 30k, and pay off some debt. I managed to keep my job and work remotely from here. So we are now at move #5. My son has already moved again back to the same state as move #4 was. Here is when a very exciting time in my life started. The house I'm living in now I had built to my design specifications. It took awhile but we were able to move in at the beginning of 2017. It was sooo fun watching a dirt lot become a house. We are now at the current year of 2017, and my son has since moved to live with me and hubby. Did so back in January. It is now late September. The transition did not go as well as I would've liked. To put it plainly we are still getting my son transitioned and obedient to what is expected in this house. Not a simple task for an autistic pre-teen. On top of all this, in February I am promoted to a new role within my company that comes with a lot more responsibility but no more pay than what I was doing previously. Also have to be my son's learning coach since he does home schooling through a program called Connections Academy here in the states. He does much better with it than he does with brick and mortar schools. So at any given moment I am juggling many roles. Mom, learning coach, wife, and manager at work. Now it'd be one thing if my job had established hours. But it doesn't. I'm a salaried exempt employee. So they can work me like a dog and get away with not paying overtime cause I get paid a set amount no matter how much I work. Given what I do now…it's not enough. Finding a different job isn't much of an option as local jobs will not let me work from home, and especially not at the level of wages I currently have. Mom and learning coach go hand in hand, I have to help him learn but also be a mom at the same time. Attend IEP meetings and be an advocate for him cause he can't do it for himself. So most weeks I have at least 80 hours of my week absconded by work and school activities. All of which leave me exhausted at the end of the day, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Add in trying to find time to be a wife and do domestic things around the house is next to impossible. This is part of the current problem husband and I are dealing with. All in all I have very little time for myself. I'm majorly stressed out from all the time constraints put on me, I have no wind down time. Because I know the minute I try to do anything for me I should be trying to clean the house. Add on top of it husband and I are now stretched to the limit financially. He's working 2 jobs. I'm not gonna get a pay raise anytime soon. I know this because of an email I got earlier this year. Quite honestly we are in over our heads. And what I've done these past months only made it worse. Yes, I know I shouldn't have done these things but at the time I thought I would figure a way to handle it. I didn't.

So let's get down to brass tacks here. I have an addiction. Not just any addiction mind you. No heroine for me. Nope, I'd like to make this really hard by having it be an eating disorder and binge spending money. Money we DON'T have. And not just any money….I'd say more but I'm paranoid the wrong people will find out. So now we are over 6k in debt because of me, plus we were having a hard enough time making it work before even with husband's two jobs and my one. Before anyone asks, no we don't have anything we can sell to help with this. We already thought about that. Husband is understandably very angry at me for accruing so much debt. I understand his reasons, and I'm sorry for them. I'm trying to find a way to make this better again. I want to find a way that we can live month to month without having to get a payday loan, and he won't have to work 2 jobs. We've already cut out what we can monthly to make this work but it seems like it's never enough and we always wind up in the red. It doesn't help that we have so many doctor visits that eat up our income. Son sees a counselor once a week, and now I do to help with this very same situation. So we are looking at over $300 USD every month for just mental health. One of us needs to see the doctor, that's another $30 at least. So here it is past 22:00 on a Saturday, I'm typing out this sob story of mine cause I don't know what else to do. I really haven't eaten much today cause I'm resisting my cravings my eating disorder causes. Husband has been at work most of the day. Son has ignored me for his laptop. I tried to get him to spend time with me, it was a lost cause. So here I am, talking to the only thing I can. This blog that barely has any readers, and the ones that do read it are probably the ones that already know about what's going on in my life. To them I thank you for continuing to listen to me and letting me vent. I know I'm crazy.

Meds

Checking in

Hi all, for those that are worried about me I’m okay. Been massively busy with work and stuff with the kiddo. Hope to make a true update later this week. Just need things to calm down now as life is overwhelming me currently.