Kaleidoscope life

It’s been awhile since I posted anything on here.  A lot of this is due to the continual go-go-go that is my life.  I got back from my exhausting trip to Asia (a post later mayhaps on how things went).  And then promptly went into rush mode with trying to tidy my life back to where it was before I was gone for 2 weeks.  Work is work is work, it’s about the only thing in my life that makes sense anymore.  That’s the scary part.

That being said, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel overwhelmed, beaten, and alone.  Scary words for some of you who know my history. My life is a kaleidoscope currently, as I was telling a friend.  As soon as I get used to the pattern in front of me, the chamber moves and I have to start anew.  Sometimes the changes are minor and easily adjusted to.  Sometimes they are life changing and scare the absolute shit out of me.  And while kaleidoscopes are pretty to look at, they’re completely unpredictable.  I’m purposefully being obtuse on all the changes cause right now I’m not in the mental state where I can talk about it all.  Just need to let it be known to more than just myself and very close friends that I am not doing well.  I am struggling and while I may smile and laugh when I see you and am being social, it’s also taking everything in me to do that.

And while I sit here trying to verbalize the feelings and mental images that come across at this point in my boggling life, I can think only of drowning.  Drowning in changes that don’t make sense.  Drowning alone and misunderstood in a cold world that fails to listen.  Hell right now I’m probably going to regret typing and posting these things because the slim few people that actually read this will be worried.  To be fair, they should be.

I thought I had done the right thing.  I hate me too.

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