Walls and crumbling

So given the proclivity of new things that have entered our life and a good portion of my life I am feeling crushed and like I’m starting to crumble.  I’ve been staring at this screen for the past 15-20 minutes just blankly trying to start another day of unknown and possibly terrifying things.  I’m not trying to have a pity party here.  I’m just trying to be very honest about how I’m feeling.

I feel like I should just close up and go “off the grid” for a bit while I get my son and I back to an even keel.  So much pressure I feel, probably mostly self inflicted to figure this out.  To fix it.  Not that the situation with my son can be fixed but really more like understood and a path for therapy and whatnot is laid out.

The feelings of guilt have set in, like how could I not have known this about him for so long.  If he has had this for as long as he says he has then I should’ve seen something.  But I didn’t.  My mother didn’t.  My father didn’t.  No one knew, but yet this existed and was affecting him from as early as age 4.  He and I had a long chat last night about the things he remembered of his visions in the past so I could get a good history on this.

Combine these changes with a very stressful job that recently has had me on my toes every day and I’m really starting to feel bogged down.  I’m petrified of filing FMLA papers for this as even though it’s illegal to fire someone protected by FMLA it is hard to prove intent.

Right now I’m extremely exhausted from trying to process and understand all that is going on.  I want to fall asleep and escape.  I know I can’t run away from what I’m facing, but it can be tempting at times to at least take a break.  So lacking the time I need to go through this I am just trying my hardest to make it day by day and not crumble completely.  One of us has to stay strong despite how I feel inside.

I’m probably going to regret posting this.

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