So today has been interesting and it’s just a little bit past noon.  My son had a follow up appointment with his doctor for med management.  He has been on Concerta/Methylphenidate same as myself, except a higher dosage.  At today’s appointment, I had the horrible responsibility of letting her know the events of May 1st while I as in SoCal.  See How the Cogs Grind for full details on that day.  I left the appointment feeling hollow and sick to my stomach.  I think a major part of this is due to my own feelings of guilt for not being able to fix the problem right away.  Or for the problem even existing to begin with.

At the end of the appointment, I left with two things on my mind.  How could I not know that my son was occasionally seeing things and hearing voices at night?  And two, now that I can’t leave him alone at all because he can’t regulate his responses to things that are not reality how will this change things both at home and for work?

Let me explain some things so there’s better clarity on these questions.  I currently work for a company that requires me to travel a decent chunk of time.  And until May 1st’s events I was able to leave my son at home with my mother as a remote learning coach.  May 1st changed all that.  There’s now extreme doubt from me that he will be able to do this now. He had done it before with no issue when I was gone for a few days in March earlier this year.

After we got home from our appointment, I received a call from Robin (his doctor) wanting to discuss the possibility of changing his meds.  She believes that the Concerta is what is causing his anxiety to be up.  Coupled with me not being there, a little thing like a Social Studies assignment caused a panic attack and subsequent wandering adventure through our neighborhood.

My need to replicate myself so one of me can stay home and the other me can work has now quadrupled.  I feel like my hands are tied as I can’t do both.  I tried to stay in contact with him as much as I could on that trip.  He has a cell phone, he has Hangouts on his desktop computer, I’m able to see his computer screen remotely via TeamViewer, and I have a webcamera that I can see what’s going on, on my phone.  I thought I had prepared enough for him being home alone.  I did NOT see this coming.  I don’t think any parent could.  So while I process the my own feelings of guilt and inability to be a mom, I have to push on and try my best for my son.

Where do we go from here?  I have many business meetings coming up that I will be away for.  I feel so lost, like I’m wandering aimlessly through this area between mom and career.  My son will always come first in my life.  But I can’t take care of my son without my career.  Catch 22 situation.  If I stay with the job I won’t be home all the time.  If I do stay home all the time, there’s a likelihood that I will lose my job.  If I lose my job, we lose all that I’ve worked so hard for.  House, Truck, being back here where I grew up among my family and friends.  Not to mention I feel accomplished with the career I have.  It’s the one thing I’ve made a success of myself with.  Yeah it is stressful, but what job isn’t?!

Processing all this has been complicated to say the least.  I know I’m just rambling at this point, but if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head I feel like I will implode.

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